This week has presented a new challenge in parenting for me. I have had such a hard time with Nathan that I actually checked out two books on parenting at the library this afternoon. I never read parenting books so this shows that I am feeling pretty desperate right now. The reason I don't read parenting books is because there are so many and I can't imagine that there is a cure-all that will fit my family perfectly. I was quite overwhelmed at the library and it wasn't easy to choose with Nathan saying, "Mommy, I'm all done. I'm tired of this. Why are we just standing here?" Of course he wasn't just saying it, he was whining.
The whining is not my new challenge. The challenge is managing the two kids at their very different stages in life. Nathan has long since given up naps. He is about to have a rude awakening at daycare because he will be required by law to lie down with the other boys and girls. He cooperated at his old school without any problems so I'm sure he'll fall into the routine again. Perhaps once he gets back into a routine at daycare, he'll carry that over to home and I'll be less challenged.
But for the moment, I'm going nuts with the daily routine around here. Hannah is trying to make it through the day with her nonsleeping brother. She is not refusing naps if I can get the environment just right: ie the carseat after she's been nursed/fed or the rocker in her room while nursing her. She does not nap if Nathan is running around making noise and playing while I have her in the rocker which is understandable, but that is what I have been dealing with lately. I told him that she won't sleep if he is trying to play with her and that was probably a mistake. I realized today that Nathan doesn't want her to nap. She is his playmate and he loves having her with him all day long. I thought at first it was me that he wanted all to himself and he was jealous that I was putting her down, but today I realized as he asked me for the hundredth time, "Is Hannah awake yet?" in the course of the hour and a half that she slept, that he misses her while she naps. Yes, I think that is sweet and adorable, but she is 11 months old and she needs more sleep than that! She is actually handling it very well. I'm probably way more exhausted not only physically, but mentally from worrying about how much sleep she's not getting.
I love that they love each other. She wants to be with him just as much. She was so happy all day on Wednesday when she only napped a total of 15 minutes because I tried to fit her naps into a busy day of play both indoor and outdoor. She was happy because she was with her big brother.
Today they played in some of the blackest dirt I've ever seen. It was potting soil the previous owners dumped out in our yard. They were both covered from head to toe. I knew they were out there and I knew Nathan was playing in it, but I didn't realize Hannah had joined him. They were quiet and happy and loving playing together. I didn't get upset with them for making a mess. Probably shocked Nathan that I didn't yell at him for that since I seemed to yell at him for everything else today. I really love seeing them so happy together and enjoying each other.
I can remember playing with my brother and sharing secrets and laughter that my parents were oblivious to. I wish those moments for my children.
Thinking back about today, I'm so not proud of myself as a mom in many of the moments. I let the exhaustion and frustration of being the only parent 24/7 get the better of me and I was not the nicest mom. So many moments I'd like to do over and handle them differently. I don't know if I'll ever get around to reading these parenting books I picked out. One I picked out simply because it was very short and the other one I picked out is called, "Becoming the Parent You Want To Be". I think we all could say that we aren't the person we want to be all of the time. I like to think of myself as a work in progress as a Christian so why not as a mom?
As we were driving home from the library tonight, Nathan said, "Mom, I'm sorry we were fighting today". It broke my heart for him to take part of the blame. Immediately the mom in me wanted to say, "No, Sweetie, you shouldn't be sorry. It was all my fault. I'm the adult. I was wrong". But I thought about something Joey said to me the other day when I told him I thought the kids were doing great in spite of me. I told him I felt they got a bad deal when they got me for a mom. "I'm not exactly the perfect mother". Joey said, "Well, he's not exactly the perfect child". Right, nobody's perfect. Why do I keep forgetting that? So tonight I let Nathan say he was sorry and I just said, "I'm sorry too". I don't think it's wrong to teach him to apologize for normal behavior. I'm just so thankful that we can apologize to each other and start over again. Thank you, God, for forgiveness and understanding and for fresh starts.
If this day had ended at 4pm, I would have called today a "bad" day, but because I have had time to reflect on all of the instances of the day, I realize that it was a day with some bad moments. It was a good day over all because I realized that my kids love each other enough to want to play together literally ALL day. I realized my son doesn't blame me for all of the fights we have and he was willing to say, "I'm sorry" and go on. We all three laughed in the tub as we squeezed rubber duckie water guns at each other. Nathan made a few people laugh in the library when he said, "Mom, where are the CD wrongs I want to check out".
Today had to happen to get to tomorrow and that is the way I'd like to leave it.
1 comment:
So many things about this post made me smile. And so many things made me thank God for sending you into my life.
Not having a sibling, I can not relate to the whole brother/sister dynamic, but I see exactly what you wrote acting itself out in our life. It makes me warm inside when I see Garrett & Camryn playing happily together. I loved what you wrote about you & your brother sharing jokes & laughing together. I'm so glad that my children will experience that as well.
As for the motherhood thing, you know I struggle daily. I've read several of the parenting books out there. I think I took the most from "She's Gonna Blow" by Julie Ann Barnhill. It's an easy (not to mention funny) read from a Christian perspective. In fact, it's sitting on my nightstand waiting for me to read it again.
The way you treat your children is an inspiration to me, Nicci. Thank you for your example.
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