Great Expectations

As our laundry room floor slowly reappears and the rest of the floors in the house quickly disappear under things like Play-Doh, toys, popcorn, partially chewed cookies, blankets, etc, I am faced with the realization that my visions of days spent practicing French with the kids, (though I have practiced my own French more than usual with all of this reporting things stolen) writing in their summer journals, helping Nathan with writing his numbers and spending time outside are fading away. We have only been home 1 1/2 days and I realize there are plenty of days left to realize my visions, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed in myself for allowing the girls to make up Play-Doh pizzas and cookies which they have delivered all over the house and allowing Nathan and his friend to play video games for entirely too long. It is cool and raining and I have been doing laundry since yesterday with much more to go. We also spent a good part of the morning at the Waterloo Police Station communicating the best we could regarding our missing ID cards. I have also spent a good part of the afternoon on the phone ordering replacement insurance cards and temporary driver's licenses. Ugh, why do people steal? Pretty sure I know the answer to that already.

I just can't help but think about how lately God has been trying to teach me about changing the way I live. He wants me to put my excitement and my expectations in Him. Even before the stress of having our wallets stolen, I had the realization that vacation isn't all it is cracked up to be. We have never been really big vacationers. Our honeymoon consisted of the drive from Texas to Virginia where we were moving. It was an adventure and we were together, so we were happy. As we have moved quite often, (I just updated our profile it is now 6 times in the last 8 years) our lives have seemed a bit like a vacation. When we were in Plano (the longest we were "settled") I began to watch other people take vacations and thought it looked like fun. We took a trip to Vegas when Nathan was 11 months old, but pumping and dealing with mastitis does not a relaxing vacation make. Live and learn. After coming here, there is this constant pressure to travel and make the most of our time here. Because we are surrounded by expats and Europeans, traveling to the French Riviera and Paris is no big deal. When I would go to talk about it with friends back home, I suddenly realized how extravagant and spoiled it sounded. While at the resort, I started to feel distant from God. Though it is beautiful there, it wasn't peaceful and apparently we got a little too relaxed. After we realized we'd been robbed, we felt violated and cheated out of the relaxing time we were looking forward to. Through prayer and focus on the children, we were able to keep it all in perspective. We realize that we are more than blessed and that in the big picture, this is nothing more than an inconvenience. It does feel like God is continuing to use the situation to speak to me.

We had planned two date nights during the week. Our 8th anniversary was last Tuesday and we wanted to celebrate by having dinner alone. We scheduled the babysitter when we first arrived for Tuesday and Friday because we weren't sure if they would both work out. (Did I mention that we were awakened at 3 AM on our first night of travel to Nathan saying, "OWWWWW!" and then a few minutes later hearing Hannah crying, "EW! EW! EW!" as she had just been thrown up on? Yeah, lovely. Apparently after a day of driving and eating nothing but junk in the car, Nathan's stomach rebelled.) So keeping that in mind, we wanted to make sure everyone appeared to be healthy before we left the kids with a babysitter. We also signed them up for an afternoon in the kid's club, but Sarah was not old enough for that and we spent that time, on our anniversary I might add, shopping for groceries so that we could continue to make meals in our apartment for the week. After dropping them off, I felt incredibly guilty that it was like daycare and completely not age appropriate for Nathan. They were good sports, but we didn't want to take them back. We wanted to spend the time they were awake with them. So that first night, we got them in bed and the sitter arrived on time, but I felt awful. I tried to fake it and feel better, but it wasn't happening so we went back. Then the second night was Friday and it was just as the sitter arrived that we had that sinking feeling I mentioned before. We had no way to pay her and we weren't exactly in the mood to celebrate...

As disappointing as it was to give up our date nights, an overall attitude changed on our vacation for the better. Things we had been focusing on that were completely unimportant faded away and we were able to focus on what was really important and work together. Not to say that we were fighting or unhappy before, but there was just something missing. A disappointment in the whole "getting away" thing that doesn't really happen when you are traveling with 3 children. There is still lots that has to be done and no one there to do it but us. We were focusing a bit too much on our nights out and in the process not enjoying the time with the children as we did after we realized how blessed we were that only wallets were missing. I'm not saying I would sign up to have both of our wallets stolen, but I do feel that an amazing lesson came from it. It was very humbling to feel so helpless. Sometimes I need the reminder to only depend on God. He provides.

In all of the things we packed, I also brought along one of our Bibles. That night while Joe was using the Internet access in the hotel lobby and dealing with so much unpleasantness, I was left alone in the apartment. I prayed and read and prayed and read. Not something I would have ever done on vacation had that not happened.

It hasn't been too hard for me not to feel angry at the person who stole from us. I really pity that lifestyle. After a lot of introspection, I realized that I just didn't like the way it looked. I didn't like that we had been stolen from (again) and that we were left with another tainted memory. I felt like the "stupid Americans" who didn't know to use the room safe who must have been screaming targets: "Take our stuff! We are so busy with these 3 little children, we can't possibly keep up with anything else!" My visions of the "perfect" getaway were destroyed. I have had to let go of a lot of my expectations since becoming a mom, but I am learning that I still have a lot to let go of and they aren't all related to being a mom. I need to let go of seeking something in this life that isn't there and that is what God is telling me. I am learning to trust Him and just follow, rather than always trying to lead. I'm thankful for so much, but most of all that God can take something so ugly and use it to teach me. He does this all of the time and I thank Him for opening my eyes to it. I can't explain it, but I feel like He is preparing me for something and I'm trying to be ready for whatever it is. Honestly, I'm very scared because when God calls it isn't easy, but that is where the faith comes in.

So a happy belated anniversary to us. We didn't have the moment we had in mind, but God gave us something more. Something we didn't ask for or know that we needed. But that is exactly the point.