At the End of the Day

Tick, tock, tick, tock...Time has come to a screeching halt this week as we anticipate our trip home. We spent yesterday down memory lane looking at "old" pictures (how "old" can pictures really be when the subjects are almost 6 and 3 1/2?) and playing with my "old" Barbie and doll clothes (maybe this time "old" applies). We've played, crafted, watched movies, played outside, fought, fought and fought some more. And it is only TUESDAY!

I know, I know, the fighting the kids are doing is completely normal. I talked to my neighbor (mom of 4) and a friend (mom of 3) this evening who both mentioned bickering and fighting at their houses (without any prompting from me) so I know I'm not alone, but it is making me CRAZY at times. Some days I feel Hannah is sprinting towards the 4 years she is fast approaching and other days I think she has crawled all the way back to 3 (some days 2---she actually bit her brother today. What?!) As I figure out how to find a punishment to fit each crime, I find myself questioning my parenting again. I worry about over reacting and under reacting. I wonder what I've done wrong so far. I feel guilty about not playing with them enough and for not being enough fun. There's a line I can't cross as a mom. I can't be too much fun because they have to know I'm the mom and I'm in charge, but I don't want them to think I'm never any fun so I'm trying to get right up next to the line without crossing it and you know what? It is EXHAUSTING!

Because of this exhaustion and because we're on our own, sometimes the worst comes out right before bed time. This evening (just after the biting incident) I separated them for bath. More work for me and bad for the environment, but I needed them to be apart. They needed to be apart. I put Nathan and Sarah in one tub and walked across the house to our bathroom where I found Hannah sobbing. It's hard to be 3. I've forgotten. I know she is our big girl, but she is still so young. We worked it out with hugs and talking. I try so hard to apologize for my reaction to things if I think I over reacted, but I want to be sure that she understands she also made a mistake. After a few trips between bathrooms they were all clean and brushing their teeth. They managed to get through the rest of the routine without harming each other and we all climbed into bed.

Recently both kids have started to actually talk to God along with me rather than the little rhyme prayers they usually fill in after I've prayed. Tonight this is what Hannah prayed:

Dear God, Thank you for our family. Thank you for making Nathan's eye get better because it was sick. I'm sorry that I bit Nathan. Sometimes we all make mistakes, even mommies, even us. I promise I won't make mistakes while I'm in Texas because I will have lots of hugs from Memaw and Nana and Papa and Yehyeh. I'm glad that you died and went to Heaven so we could live happily ever after. I love you, God. Amen.

(She did pause and ask me when God died. I said God didn't die, but Jesus did and she said that God must have died because He is in Heaven. This time she wasn't asking).

See what I mean about sprinting towards 4? She can be so wise beyond her years and in moments like this one, she amazes me.

This week my mind has been on other mothers' struggles. There are some stories I know and of course, so many I don't, but the stories I know have kept the little things we're dealing with in perspective and rather than bowing my head in shame for complaining over the comparatively petty struggles in my life, I've made an effort to bow my head in prayer over these families. Friends of friends, recently said goodbye to their son after so much pain in such a short life. Friends of friends of friends, are also dealing with the painful loss of their son. Another family God led me to through a friend, shares another painful story. From that story, another mother's roller coaster of pain and fear. These families and others dealing with struggles have stayed in my heart and in my prayers for as long as I've known their stories. I admit at times I forget and throw a small pity party at my house, but God never forgets them. Even when they are "too numb to feel" God's arms are around them holding them tightly and that is comforting when it seems like nothing else is. When it seems like nothing good can come out of so much pain, I only have to look at these mothers' words and their impact on so many others. God has a plan that we don't understand and at the end of the day, I agree with Hannah, "I'm glad that You died and went to Heaven so that we could live happily ever after" with You.