Control Freak

Most of my adult life I have considered myself a control freak.  I don't like being out of control.  I like schedules and calendars and order.  I do NOT thrive in chaos.

After becoming a mom, I learned to manage chaos and began to understand the term "organized chaos".  I had to let go of some of that perceived control.  Still working on that.

God has used this stage in my life (this time in Belgium) to change me in so many ways.  I feel like I am such a different person from the one who came here almost 3 years ago.  I don't think I had to be in Belgium in order for these changes to come about.  It isn't all about this country.  God has used so many people here to reach me and without the community I'm in here, I don't think I would have been touched in so many ways and so deeply.

There was a period of a year or more after moving here that has been the most challenging in my life up until now.  Through that period and all of those people God taught me and changed me.  (I say that like He's finished...He's not).  While I don't feel I am in the midst of that hard time right now, I feel like I am so much more open to listening for what God is teaching me daily.

These last almost 3 years we've been living here knowing that our time here is limited.  We've also not known what is coming next.  We still don't.  At some point I started to believe that I was okay with that "loss of control".  I thought, "Wow!  God has really taught me to let go here.  I don't know what is happening next and I'm okay with that!" 

WRONG.  It was an illusion.  Yes, I could talk all day in hypotheticals and appeared to be completely fine with "whatever", but the truth is I still had a sense of control.  I have known (in my mind) what would happen each day and each month.  I had a schedule to follow and plans in order.  I've been comfortable.  (Yes, it is a totally different sense of comfortable from the one I had before moving here, but comfortable still).

Suddenly, less than 2 weeks ago, the hypotheticals became slightly more real.  Nothing has really changed, but there is this knowledge that something could change and there is talk of a job and a move.  These are real, not possibilities.  However, our daily life has not really changed.  I still have the same schedule and knowledge of what will happen tomorrow and the next day. 

I haven't lost anything.  I never had it.

It has occurred to me as I have felt this underlying stress and anxiety every time we get an e-mail or a phone call, that we all live like this.  None of us really knows what will happen from moment to moment, but we take so much comfort in feeling like we are in control.

That is something that appears to be human nature.  I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but it seems to be a pretty consistent theme amongst people to crave a sense of control.  Some crave more than others, but universally we seem to be designed to feel comforted by control.

I don't think that is by accident.  God designed us and He designed that need as well.  However, He wants us to take comfort in the fact that He is in control.  Not us.  We never are.

Of course, I know that we are called to have self-control and that we do have free will.  (I had a mini-conversation about this with my older two children last night at dinner.  They were asking some pretty deep questions and I tried to keep it pretty basic.  I never figured out exactly where their questions were coming from, but I often find that God uses them to get me to think--hence, this post).

I'm reading the book "Crazy Love" again right now and feeling once again very convicted about certain things.  If I'm not careful this book can make me feel overwhelmed and guilty and not good enough, but I am working very hard to keep the author's written intentions in mind.  He wants God to speak to the reader through his book and God doesn't speak about such things.  At one point, the author writes about the fact that he can safely assume that people reading his book are not dependent on God for "our daily bread" in the sense that most of the world's population are.  When we are comfortable and not in need, it is so easy to forget God.  God doesn't want that. 

I am feeling right now that God doesn't want me to be comfortable.  He doesn't want me to feel like I always know what is going to happen or like I'm in control.  He wants me to remember that He is in control and take comfort in that.  Not saying that is easy (AT ALL), but that is part of what keeps me in a relationship with Him.

I was reminded by my dear friend (a former Muslim) just how blessed I am that I have a God who not only allows me to have a relationship with Him, but wants it more than I can even understand.  She did not know a God like that most of her life and she is such a witness as she loves Him so passionately and faithfully in all circumstances.  Not experiencing such a difference in my life is no reason to take it for granted.  There is a reason I know her and her story.  God put her here.

I know we are covered in prayer as we wait to see what happens next and I know God is in control.  He has a plan and it is the best one even if it doesn't match up with what we have in mind.  I am so thankful for this journey we've taken so far.  If it is time to move on, we go willingly and if we need to stay longer, we are willing as well.  We've always said that.  Living in this period of unknown might seem new and uncomfortable, but I am thankful for the awareness...Reminding me not to take anything for granted and not to just coast through life as though I have it all figured out.  Most of all I'm thankful for the reminder that I need to keep God first on my list-- the control freak in me still wants a list.  He handles this stuff so much better than I do.  Why would I ever want to put all of this on my shoulders (or my husband's) when God is so willing to take it?

Whatever it is, if it feels like too much, God is waiting with His arms open to take it for us.