***WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR***

A play date for Mommy. Ahhhhhhh, amongst the schedules, appointments and accompanying stress that is my life, I scheduled a play date for MYSELF. It is actually more a time for God, but it is so needed. I remember reading somewhere--the source has left me-- that we all have a God shaped hole in us and here lately, that hole has been gaping inside of me. Some amazing women have organized a Bible study with childcare that began last fall and have repeatedly asked me to join. Because I already had the girls going to childcare twice a week for my French class, I felt I couldn't justify another week day of the same just for "me" time. I never even attempted to go. This year, these same women have added another study. This one is in the evenings and on paper (meaning in my calendar) it looks good, but I talked myself out of ordering the book, couldn't make the first meeting due to illness, and missed the second meeting due to a traveling husband. Both things out of my control, but it felt like a huge sign. God was telling me that this study isn't for me? It really doesn't fit into our lives. Isn't that right? Well, thanks to my wonderful, selfless, amazing husband (who has been very, very ill for over a week) I was able to go to the 3rd meeting this week. I was tired, I had a headache and I had a hard time finding the place and parking, but I am so thankful I went. I had no prior experience with Beth Moore and since I didn't have the book, had done no preparation, but just listening to these other women share and watching her video was an amazing, uplifting experience for me.
This isn't my first Bible study, but this one is definitely intensive. I could have only felt a bit lost because I don't have the book, but I felt a lot of the conversation was over my head spiritually. A few years ago, I would have been discouraged and probably wouldn't have come back, but because I have learned to accept that God wants me to come as I am, I was just enchanted and want to come back to learn more and experience more. I asked questions without fear of appearing to not know "enough". It is okay not to know and in fact, I think I needed the reminder that just because I have done Bible studies before, I definitely have a LOT more to learn. Some of the things Beth said in the video spoke to me. The MOST important one was something she said straightaway, "Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it is wrong". Simple, right? Well, that spoke to me in so many ways. Not just about the fact that it was really hard for me to get there on Tuesday night, but also because so much about our lives here has been incredibly hard and I have often had thoughts like this, "This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. Did we make a mistake by coming here?" After her points about things not always being black and white, choices not always being obvious and her passion about the fact that if we empower the Holy Spirit already within us, that through Him, we can discern what is best, I wanted to shout "AMEN!" (And I am not a girl who ever shouts AMEN!) But Beth Moore is, and sometimes, I need to be in the presence of a motivating spirit just like her.
Though a lot of what she said about the Holy Spirit was hard for me to grasp, I loved that she pointed to scripture and reminded us that we don't get these "Twighlight Zone" moments out here in the world. All we have to do is turn to God's word in our "quiet time". Oh, that's all. I felt my heart sink. I so often feel that quiet time is something I'm truly lacking. Most days, I crave it, search it out, and then feel guilty for wanting it. Then when quiet time is forced on me when, say my husband is out of town and the Sling Box won't work--just an example--, I don't turn to God's word or spend quiet time praying, I wallow in self pity and exhaustion and think about how difficult life is when Daddy's gone. I really needed this reminder. I already know that when I am reading God's word every day (or at least regularly) that He speaks to me. But if I'm not doing it, I forget what I know. One of the most peaceful times in my life was a time when we were involved in a weekly Bible study and I was really reading God's word. That is not a coincidence.
Even better than listening to Beth, who is great, was the fellowship with the other ladies in the group. We are all in different places in our lives and spiritually, but we do have many things in common besides that we are living outside of our own country. After the video when we shared what spoke to us, I was amazed at how we could tie in even more by just listening to what each other had to say. When I said that I felt God was speaking to me about making time for His word and taking advantage of the quiet time I do have, one of them spoke up honestly and said that even when she does have quiet time she does not always feel like going to God's word. We all agreed on that. Not all of us are moms, but we are all busy all day and after an exhausting day, we don't always feel like spending time with God. We also all agreed that there are so many other worldly things that take us away from time with God. It is so refreshing to hear this kind of honesty from women. It is so uplifting to share with others and know that we all have struggles, even if they aren't the same. Lately, I have been so discouraged when spending time with other moms or women because, due to my own issues, I find I turn the things they do with their children and outward appearances in their lives and compare them to myself. Suddenly, I am berating and criticizing myself as a mother more than anyone else ever could. In many circles, there seems to be some kind of "one up" competition amongst moms and/or women. Whether it is intentional or not, I often come away from these circles feeling beaten down and not good enough. I can't blame the circles. This comes from my own unrealistic expectations. Because of these feelings, I really needed to be in this circle of women sharing openly and honestly.
But it didn't stop with us all comiserating about how hard it is to make that time and how we all struggle with it! These women all shared that when we are obedient and go ahead and use the time and spend time with His word even when we don't want to, we are rewarded. Of course, I know that, but I also forget when I am away from it. And it is no wonder why. She explained that in the very beginning. "Just because it is hard, doesn't always mean it is wrong and just because it is easy doesn't always mean it is right". She also said that God has a plan for our lives, but so does the devil. A lot of what she said was difficult to hear. That last statement was one that was especially hard for me.
So I am not typing this all up because a two hour Bible study or a single video changed my life, but I am feeling a sense of renewal and strength which I was lacking. The God shaped hole is still there, but not quite as gaping. I haven't put my words into action just yet, but the amazing thing about God is that He will accept me just like I am. The more I search for acceptance in the world, I realize that no one else can do that for me. It isn't our human condition to accept each other easily. We are all flawed and it is sometimes easier to look around for someone more flawed than we are so that we don't have to point the fingers at ourselves. Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than we are on everyone else and I find that when I am done being hard on myself is when I am even harder on others.
This week has been crazy busy and adding another activity completely stresses me out, but this activity is well worthwhile and I intend to keep working on it. Since becoming an at home mom, I find, I struggle more than I ever have with guilt about making time for myself. I feel guilty about missing my job when I know I am so fortunate to be at home. I love the fact that my time is my own and I don't have to worry about my job when we want to travel or be with family on holidays, but I miss being needed at work and feeling I had a separate identity from "Mommy". Someone said a few weeks ago, "You used to be a nurse, right?" That comment really bothered me. I had to restrain myself from saying, no I am a nurse. I guess I just hadn't accepted that my identity has changed quite a bit.
So for those of you who come here to see pictures of our lovely children rather than read my ramblings regarding my spiritual journey, they will return. I just couldn't bring myself to post about the swimming lessons that Nathan and Hannah have started once a week without focusing on how much work it takes to prepare snacks for the drive over and for the ride home along with packing their suits, towels and swim caps and soap and jammies for showers after swimming. I get exhausted just thinking about it, but watching Nathan learn to really swim in just three lessons and watching how much fun Hannah has had even though her teacher said, "It is difficult" after her second lesson, makes it worthwhile. I didn't want to blog about how much time I've spent planning for the snack I need to bring for Hannah's class tomorrow, vegetable day. I didn't want to blog about all of the appointments we've had to schedule and make now that it has been one year since we started preparing for our big move. I couldn't post about any of those things while thinking about that hole just waiting to be filled. The kids are doing so well and yes, sometimes it is in spite of me. It was very telling to me last night when I told Hannah I was so proud of how brave she was at the dentist last night and she said she was proud of me for not "yelling" at her. Ouch! We are still struggling during the times when Daddy is gone and sometimes the exhaustion seems to carry over to times when he is home keeping me from being the mommy/wife/person I want to be. However, I feel progress will come as I am strengthened through these difficult times, by those I'm blessed to be surrounded by, and most of all, by God.