On Raising Siblings

Last week when life got crazy, I came home and wrote a post about raising siblings and the challenges in our family. I just couldn't put all that I was feeling into words so after reading it over, I trashed it. However, because I am raising siblings and because there are some challenges along with their current ages and stages, it has remained on my mind.

I can't speak for all moms, but I spend a lot of my time trying to put myself in the shoes of my children. I do that either by memory, if I can relate to something they are going through, or by just trying to imagine how they might feel. I can relate to different aspects of each of their personalities, but there are aspects that I can't relate to.
One of the themes in my last post was a worry that Nathan or Hannah might be resentful of each other or of Sarah. There are times when I have the best of intentions to make sure my big kids can participate in the things their friends are participating in, but the logistics just don't work out. Reality creeps in and dictates that baby sisters need naps and Mommy is only one person who cannot be in multiple places at one time. I almost always know ahead of time that my "plan" will flop and yet, I try because I don't want my children to be disappointed. So far, my worry has been unrealized. My expectations of myself are far greater than those my children have for me. They aren't picketing in front of the house with signs shouting about how unfair their childhood has been so far. They have such great hearts and realize that the benefits of having each other far outweigh the occasional missed event due to a sibling's nap or runny nose.

I know sibling rivalry is normal. Frustration comes along with love in any relationship. Jealousy and competition have been big between our big kids for the past year or so. Instead of becoming jealous of losing her place as "the baby" when Sarah was born, Hannah's jealousy has always been directed toward Nathan. She gets so angry, but I feel for her because that anger is really just hurt. It breaks my heart to see how sad she is when he goes home with a friend or has special boy time with Daddy. Unfortunately for Nathan when he gets home, that sadness manifests itself as pure rage generally directed at him.

I just want to help her feel better without using the easy out of, "Hey, but you are the big sister. Sarah doesn't get to go to school yet or go to Little Gym..." That isn't the kind of example I'd like to use. Poor Sarah. Eventually she'll be in this situation too and then what? (Yeah, poor Sarah--the child who, when she is ready for her nap, goes down more easily when I put her in her car seat and buckle her in, than if I carry her up to her room to her bed.)

I wish I could make it better. I wish I knew what it feels like to be second or third. What it feels like to always watch someone else do everything first. I was the first one and so much older than my brother that I don't really think he realized what I was getting to do first. Daddy should definitely be able to relate to this, but his childhood recollection is surprisingly poor. I guess that should be encouraging since he obviously doesn't have any permanent scars--or has he chosen to block it all out? Ha ha.

My mind is reeling with memories of sitcom episodes where the middle child had all of her problems solved with comparisons to being the center of an Oreo or a sandwich. Come on, that stuff doesn't work! I need a modern sitcom to help me know what to do when Hannah struggles with what she is trying to say and then gets so angry in an instant when Nathan fills in the blanks for her. (I understand the anger in an instant part, there is no denying she is my daughter).

Case in point: This morning Hannah was asking for breakfast and I was having trouble deciphering.

Hannah: "Can I please have e-mail with cimmomom?" (It isn't often that she asks nicely the first time so I wish I knew what exactly that was).

Me: "I'm not sure what you mean. French toast?" (Working with the cinnamon part I understood)

Hannah: (Getting louder). "No, I mean e-mail!"

Me: "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about. Can you show me?"

Nathan: "She means that porridge that you like".

Hannah: "NO NATHAN! STOP TALKING!"

So I realized that she was talking about oatmeal and that she was mostly angry with Nathan. Unsolicited help from her big brother is unacceptable. Even more so when she had just been reminded that he was going to ride a bus to swimming today and she was not. Because it is not acceptable to scream at one's brother for such a reason, she had to be reprimanded, but I still felt her pain. After living here I can definitely relate to knowing what I want, but not knowing exactly how to say it and she was trying to tell me in her own way.

She is trying so hard to find her own special place in our family. I often hear people make comments to Sarah if she is crying or fussing, "Oh, it's hard to be the baby isn't it?" I guess it is. I don't know. Right now it appears to be much harder to be the three year old sister of a 5 1/2 year old brother. Then again, there are times when it is hard to be that 5 1/2 year old brother. For example, when he is being screamed at for no apparent reason.

I don't think this post is any clearer. These are just the ramblings of a mom trying to figure out what my children need and provide it for them without making myself crazy along the way. It is a very short walk to crazy from here.

A Boy Being A Boy from tsechief on Vimeo.

Here is a video taken before Daddy left on his last trip. Everyone is so demanding of his time before he leaves and I was trying to catch that on film. Instead I captured a nose picker.