My Granddad

In 1970 my dad wrote a paper entitled "A True Texan".  According to the copy I have in front of me (thanks mom) it was for a Sociology class and it was a biography written about my Great-Grandfather, Elton Bland Holland, Sr.  He was born on February 10, 1898 on  a ranch in West Texas.  He was one of many children and was raised on the same ranch he was born.  He remained a bachelor until he was 27 years old and in 1926, his only son, my Granddad, Elton Bland Holland, Jr., was born.
I knew my Great-Grandfather, we called him "Dee Dee", and his is the first funeral I remember.  What I remember most about him is the recliner he sat in when we visited his home in San Angelo.  I remember that he shelled pecans in that recliner and I remember that he liked to tease us with his two missing fingers (lost while roping cattle).  He was funny and I feel like I did really get to know him.  Thanks to my dad's essay, I feel like I know him even better.
When I was in High School (I think), my classmates and I interviewed my Granddad for a paper we wrote on a story about a man who was once my Granddad's business partner.  It was a painful story for him to tell and looking back I am sure I wasn't appreciative enough at the time that he actually did the interview.  My memories of my Granddad otherwise are abundant.  My grandparents lived around the corner from us while I was growing up and he and my dad worked together.  He was definitely a big part of my life growing up.  In college, I was blessed to spend some time with my Mi-maw before she passed away.  She gave me a Bible that she once used and I love to read the scripture she underlined, highlighted and what she wrote herself.  I always felt it was easier to talk to my Mi-maw than my Granddad.  He was just not as comfortable sharing much and seemed to keep his thoughts to himself. 
Now looking back at my dad's essay, I wish I'd taken the time to ask more about my Granddad's life.  I wish now that I knew more.
When I was in college I worked in a nursing home and one thing I loved about my job was when the residents would tell me stories.  Most of the residents in the nursing home I worked in were suffering with dementia and Alzheimers, but there were times of clarity and when there was time to chat, I loved hearing things about them. 
Life has gotten in the way of my being able to be there with my own grandfather, listening to his stories and helping him with his needs.  I have prayed ever since I learned that he was going to live in a nursing home that someone would be that person for my Granddad.  What I wouldn't give to have been there myself.  I wish that circumstances had been different these last few years.  I wish there hadn't been so many misunderstandings and that I had made more of an effort to let him know how much I love him, that I will always respect and admire him and that I am so thankful for all he has done in his life to provide for his family.  Being a parent I think has helped me realize more than ever before that parents are all just doing the best we can.  It isn't easy and no one really ever knows about all of the things that a person is going through or what it feels like to be that person in each circumstance.
My Granddad has been fighting against living the way he was living for a long time now.  The last time I saw him was 14 months ago and he was so much different from the time I'd seen him before, but it was just so great to see him and hug him and tell him I love him.  I won't get that chance again on this side of Heaven.  He left this world yesterday.  I will miss him in a different way than I've missed him for the last few years.  I am thankful that he is no longer living the way that he has been living, but I just wish it could have been different.  I wish I could have been there and I wish I could be there now for my family.  The gaps in the pictures I've just been through remind me just how hard it is to miss so much and it reminds me to be thankful for every moment we do have.