Plane-iversary

Girls Picking Bluebells


Nathan in the Bluebells



Colder than we thought!

Daddy and Kids in the Bluebells

(Taking a break from the trip documentation---well, if you call one post "documentation enough to require a break"---to mark a very significant date...)

Two years ago today, we boarded a Belgium-bound plane and leaving behind the only country we'd ever lived in to begin this European adventure. There are days when I feel every second of those two years and other days when I simply cannot believe that two years have passed.

When I look back at those posts from our arrival two years ago, it is hard to remember all of the emotions that came with such a big change. We have all changed so much. The kids, in obvious ways. They are a long way from the 4 1/2 -year-old, two-year-old and newborn we put on that plane. It keeps blowing me away that Sarah's age now is even older than Hannah's age when Sarah was born. It is so hard to remember that challenging little two-three year old Hannah was. She still has her moments, as we all do, but she has grown up so much in this short time. As those challenging traits have emerged in our family via our darling current two-three year old, I try very hard to keep that in mind.

I find the changes in myself even more amazing than the changes in the kids. I have experienced some of my darkest and most challenging days as a mother and wife since moving here. I don't remember exactly when it began or when it ended--or lightened up enormously, but there was a time when I felt like I was living under a very heavy fog and that I was barely able to care for myself and my family. During that time I felt horribly guilty for not being able to reach out to others and not really knowing who to ask or how to ask for help. I wanted to do more than just get by and survive, but that was all I could do at that time. As I said, at some point the fog slowly lifted and I began to feel more like I could reach out and do things for others (though still not as much as I would like) and I feel like our family is more than just surviving. There are still struggles and one of the biggest for me has been missing working outside of the home so much. I loved being at home at first and there are lots of things I still love about it, but I do miss going to work and feeling like I was doing a good job. It is much harder for me to feel like I'm doing a good job as a mom. I just miss knowing who I really am and what I'm good at doing. I haven't completely forgotten the struggles of working full time or part time with small children and I remember very well the sacrifices we made as a family, but there is a part of it I miss so much.

So if our contract goes as planned (and plans are changing for so many in this world with very little notice), we are halfway done with this assignment. In some ways that feels good. We are in no way ready to go through the moving process again so quickly. We love the idea of getting to see more of Europe while living here. We also love thinking that we may have more family and friends come to visit and see some of Europe (and us) as well. In some ways it feels daunting. We are homesick for family and the familiar. Life here has become much more comfortable and familiar in these two years, but it still doesn't feel like home and I'm not sure it ever could. We aren't in the mindset that this life is permanent which has a lot to do with it. We find ourselves discussing hypothetical futures often. We don't mean not to live in the present, but expat life is set up that way. Each spring we see families closing the expat chapters of their lives, or at least the Belgium expat chapters. It has become part of our lives to say goodbye to friends quite often. Honestly, it isn't that much different from our lives before moving here, but this time we are the ones "left behind". It feels sad and I can't help but be a little jealous of families going back "home", buying houses, being on the same continent as their families...

Our time will come and at the end of another two years (hypothetically), I imagine we'll have gone through another range of emotional changes for me to ponder in the blogosphere. We know that we are blessed and we are thankful for the chance to experience so many things here. There are days when those wouldn't be our first words, but those days happen on the other side of the ocean as well.

Once again, I feel I need to explain my cheesy title...from Friends, The One in Vegas. Chandler and Monica are going to celebrate their anniversary in Vegas and Monica says they can start celebrating on the plane and call it their "Plane-iversary". If I could remember French phrases the way I can remember sitcom and movie lines, I'd be much more impressive. Stupid brain!